Skippy’s Field Guide to Goblinicus Cowardicius
Skippy’s Field Preface and Chapter One
My people have known about the existence of Pingo Village for some time now. The village first appeared fifty years ago when a small group of goblins was driven south by their larger, nastier cousins, the hobs, and by the ever-encroaching threat that is the double-dealing, cattle-stealing, pocket-rubbing, pig-faced scum known as the orcs…
Chapter Two
Goblin religion is a weird one, or I should say, gob religion, as the bogos seem to follow a different set of beliefs, though I don’t quite yet know what the females of the species believe in…
Chapter Three
Pingo village becomes more and more fascinating the more I learn about it! The gobs here have a “hoochery,” or a place where they keep their spirits, the strong alcoholic kind, not the rattling chains and draped bedsheets kind…
Chapter Four
Oh, where do I begin! What an adventure I have had! As soon as I had entered the South Quarter, I was greeted by bogos of every nature imaginable. Bogos on my left, bogos on my right, more bogos than I could possibly crave…err…study in one go…
Chapter Five
Jenny Crazy Eyes is possibly one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever laid eyes upon. She has this commanding presence that makes you want to do whatever she demands, and I must say, she is very shapely under that dress, as it shows off her cleavage quite nicely, and whenever she bends over, one can see the soft roundness of her bottom, quite heart-shaped, I might add, though I, being a gentleman, never look upon such things in earnest…
Chapter Six
No one will actually get shot, of course, and nothing will actually be stolen, though the gobs don’t know that. No, everything is going according to plan. The wagon or cart will slow to a halt due to the brush that I and my fellow gob conspirators have laid across the road, and then I will take it from there…
Chapter Seven
Orcs are the most loathsome creatures on Central Earth. These nipple-twisting, noogie-swirling, racketeering pigs have caused no end of trouble for every other race out there. I swear, I don’t know what the gods were thinking when they allowed Porkos, the god of the Orcs, into their pantheon. I’d sooner deal with the gob Devil than have to deal with the putrid spawn of that vile deity…
Chapter Eight
I have, of course, for my own sanity, blotted from my memories the exact details of what partook in the slaughter that ensued my rescue, as such gore and grossness does not sit well with me, and my mind and vision automatically recorded other, far more important details, details that needed to be recorded for the posterity of the village…
Chapter Nine
So, I have finally achieved some reference points for drawing “Bath Time Jenny.” I have committed to memory everything I have seen, and I have thoroughly sketched that memory in but a few pages, only twenty or so, those sketches from different angles. She is definitely my top candidate in researching premarital sexual relations, though to be fair, she was already at the top of that list…
Chapter Ten
Gesine has always been a strange one. She’s always been into the dark clothes, edgy jewelry, and forbidden lore. In fact, I think she did her thesis on “Recycling the Dead: A Postmodern Analysis of the Economic Burden of the Modern Graveyard.” Of course, I never thought she would end up working for the Duke. She did do a paper once titled “Duke Werner Jäger Isn’t Such a Bad Guy After All,” but I never thought much on it. Now that I am thinking about it, that title probably should have tipped me off…
Chapter Eleven
The bogos of Pingo are not quite as undefeatable or as indestructible as I had first surmised. Unfortunately, the ladies of Pingo, though quite adept at complete groin destruction in combat, lack any other type of combat prowess when it comes to creatures or enemies without a discernable crotch. True, they do strike the head when given the opportunity, but they first have to “set up” a shot in order to do so, and many of their opening attacks are simply ineffective against undead such as zombies…
Chapter Twelve
Here’s the sad part, though. All of these cliques have one thing in common: They all hate Jenny. Jenny is the most despised bogo in the village, or for that matter, the most despised goblin in Pingo, but unlike how everyone picks on Plain Jane, no one but “the Four Bad Arses” messes with Jenny, as everyone else is terrified of her…
Chapter Thirteen
Oh, I am so angry and disappointed with myself! Right after Jenny swatted Lyga’s naked bottom with the “Butt Slayer,” I went and passed out! Gesine woke me up later by splashing water on my face. Apparently, I had a fantastic grin to beat the band after I fell backwards and hit the floor, but I suppose that was to be expected after witnessing the whole of this magnificent fiasco…
GitM: Chapter 14
Anyway, as it turns out, the mystery of why Jane is considered “plain” is because, like Yappa and Tall Sally, Jane is a half-breed, only her father was one of MY people. She’s a “plainer,” a half-halfling, if that makes sense, and because goblins think halflings to be fantastically ugly for some reason, Jane is pretty much reviled for her appearance by all…
GitM: Chapter 15
So, I got a really good sketch of Jane, I contacted Happy via the Communications Extraction Language Line Crystal (technically a telephonics crystal, but because it’s enchanted with a translator, it’s now a C.E.L.L. telephonics crystal, or C.E.L.L. “phone” for short). Jenny ’ported Jane’s sketch to Happy, and then Jane and Happy got to talking…
Goblins in the Mist Copyright © 2021-2025 bloodytwine.com Matthew L. Marlott
The picture of the hutch is from public resources courtesy of Canva.com.
