14: Churpo Zurfwap…Kaduka Roonga Fwappa Suuk…(Chapter Fourteen…Cruising ’round the South Quarter)
“What did Jamie do?” asked Nikki.
“Never mind that,” sighed Dulp. “Let’s just say she made your mother mad, and unfortunately for Jamie, she’s not Jenny, so…”
“Oof,” winced Bonnie. “I hope Mom doesn’t kill her.”
“Well, what doesn’t kill you gives you a sore bum,” shrugged Dulp. “I think it’s safe to say Jamie can kiss hers goodbye, ’cause she’s going up on the…uhhh…Never mind that.”
His two oldest looked at each other and then gave one another a knowing look.
“Is she going up on the X?” asked Nikki.
Now, this startled Dulp. He’d had no idea his girls knew about that.
“What?” he asked in stark surprise. “How do you girls know about that?”
“We all live in the same hutch, Dad,” frowned Bonnie. “We all know what the X is for…at least, Nikki and I know.”
“What is the X for?” asked Myka, Dulp’s third. “I really wanna know. Mom won’t tell me.”
It was Dulp’s turn to wince.
“Never you mind that,” he frowned.
“Dad, Myka doesn’t even really know who you are,” frowned Nikki in return. “You never come over, so both Myka and Shale think you’re just some random gob off the street.”
“You know why I don’t come over, girls,” said Dulp firmly. “Now, you need to tell me what your mother’s been telling you about that X, or I’m going to have to have a talk with Old Matron Bogo about this. There are some things you girls shouldn’t know yet.”
“We know about the X, Dad, because we’re not goblets anymore,” sighed Bonnie. “What we want to know is why Mom is putting Jamie up on the X. The X is reserved for you. Mom never puts anyone else up on it…That doesn’t make any sense, unless…”
Bonnie and Nikki gave each other a worried look. That look consisted of one eyebrow raised above the other as one side of the lips turned down in response to that eyebrow raising, and this look of deep concern on his two oldest was cause for Dulp to have, at least, some concern.
Dulp had no idea what that look was about, but he decided to answer them as best he could. Whatever fears they had, this was not something to be afraid of. In fact, Dulp thought the whole situation between Lyga and Jamie was stupid anyway.
“She’s mad at Jamie for siding with Jenny,” said Dulp with an eyeroll and a shake of his head. “Plus, Jamie goaded her into it. She told your mother that being up on the X was her greatest fear, and your mother…being your mother…got so furious at her she swore Jamie was going up on there next…
“That’s all there is to that story. There’s nothing more. Jamie stupidly spilled her guts about her greatest fear of having your mother take the ol’…you know…to her backside, and your mom was so mad anyway that she made a vow to punish Jamie in that way, just to get back at her. That’s it. End of story.”
Bonnie and Nikki stared at each other for a second before bursting out into raucous laughter. Dulp had no idea what was so funny, so he just shook his head at it all.
“What’s so funny?” asked Myka.
The very young bogo was holding Dulp’s youngest, Shale, in her little arms. Technically Myka was a bogo, not a goblet, but Dulp didn’t think of her as such. Nevertheless, the young teen’s question was never answered.
“Holy Mother Bogo, is Mom dense!” cackled Nikki. “What a gob-head!”
“What a maroon!” laughed Bonnie. “Oh, the others aren’t going to believe this! I’ve got to go spread the word!”
“Yeah!” chuckled Nikki. “This is too funny to pass up!”
“What’s too funny?” asked Myka.
The two older girls yet again ignored Dulp’s third and turned their attention back on him.
“We gotta go, Dad,” said Bonnie. “We’ll see you later…if you ever decide to actually come into the South Quarter sometime.”
“Yeah,” frowned Nikki. “It’s like we don’t exist.”
“Girls…” sighed Dulp.
“Wait, I know!” said Bonnie excitedly. “You could come right now!”
“Yeah!” said Nikki as her dark eyes lit up. “Yeah, you’re not doing anything right now, right?”
Dulp’s heart jumped. He reeeaaaally didn’t want to go into the South Quarter again…like ever. He preferred his walnuts uncrushed.
“I’m…I’m…uuhh…I’m waiting for Skippy,” stammered Dulp. “He’s currently with Gesine, that big human sorceress. It’s getting late anyway, girls. You need to get to bed…I really am waiting for Skippy, though.”
This actually was not a lie made up on the spot. He really was waiting for Skippy. As much as the ugly little gob had pulled him into mess after mess, Skippy really was…becoming, at least…a good friend…and someone who was…somewhat fun to hang around.
“Skippy’s a White Skulls gob,” nodded Dulp. “I don’t want to disappoint him. He could get us all in good with the Skulls. He could get us all made. He even has pull with those giant humans and their ‘Academy’ or something.”
His two oldest stared at each other once more, gave each other a wry smirk, and then stared back at Dulp.
“You do know that Skippy isn’t a gob, right?” asked Nikki.
“What?” asked Dulp. “What do you mean?”
He had no idea what she was talking about.
“He’s a half—” started Nikki, but she was cut short.
Bonnie elbowed her sister, shook her head no, and then gave Dulp what honestly looked like a false smile.
“He’s not your typical gob, Dad,” she nodded. “He’s not a typical gob. He’s a White Skulls, so…you need to be…umm…careful around him.”
Dulp chuckled and waved her off.
“Oh, I know aaaaall about that,” he smiled. “Yeah, Skippy has pulled my fat into the fryer a few times, but that was the Chief’s fault for sticking him with me.”
His two oldest stared at each other with knowing eyes.
“Holy Mother Bogo, our parents are clueless,” said Nikki.
“Yeah,” replied Bonnie.
If there was anything more to be said, that conversation was put on a permanent hold due to the arrival of both Skippy and Jenny, not Skippy and Gesine, whom Dulp had been expecting.
Twin ebony portals of darkness tore the night sky open as Skippy and Jenny stepped through them.
“Dulp! There you are!” said Skippy excitedly. “So…what’s the verdict?”
Dulp had a brief flash of imagination toward what awaited…a whole fried chicken, a whole bottle of the Chief’s finest hooch, the whole Gobdarned day off…
“Oh, it’s too horrible for me to describe,” he replied. “It is truly terrible, but I’ll live.”
“Sorry to hear that,” frowned Skippy. “I don’t want you getting tortured or anything.”
“Nah, Lyga’s going to do that to me,” shrugged Dulp. “Let’s just say I have some duties tomorrow I’m not looking forward to.”
“Right,” said Skippy. “Well…”
“Don’t worry about Dulp, Skippy,” said Jenny with a shake of her head. “He’ll be fine.”
“What about you?” asked Skippy in the same worried tone. “I really don’t want you getting in trouble…”
“I’m already in trouble,” shrugged Jenny. “I came to see you because it’s not like I can get into any more trouble. Besides, Gesine left the village with that letter you helped her write, so Pingo’s settled down anyway.”
“Oh, you got to see the big human bogo!” spoke up Bonnie with excitement. “What was she like?”
“Oh, she was ginormous,” nodded Nikki. “I got a good look at her right before Jenny chickened-up Xenon. That big human bogo’s boobies were the size of—”
“Girls,” frowned Dulp. “Not here.”
“Shouldn’t you girls be in bed?” asked Jenny. “I think Shale should be in bed, at least.”
“She’s right, girls,” said Dulp. “You all need to get back to the South Quarter and head to bed.”
“Why?” shrugged Bonnie. “Mom’s out of action. It’s not like she can chase us down right now.”
“No,” said Jenny firmly. “Uh, uh…No, no, no…You know it’s past your bedtime, and just because your mother is out of action right now does not mean you get to run around the village in the middle of the night. Now, come on. I’d better ’port you back home.”
“Can’t,” said Nikki with a shake of her head. “Mom forbade us from being ’ported. She’s afraid we’ll end up stuck in a wall or something.”
“That’s not how it works,” sighed Jenny with a roll of her eyes. “Never mind. Come on, I’ll escort you back to the South Quarter. We’ll just walk then.”
“Why?” asked Nikki. “You’re the one who punished our mom. You hate her, and that means you should hate us too, so why do you care?”
“I punished Xenon,” said Jenny wryly. “Your father punished your mother. And I don’t hate you girls just because I had a disagreement with Xenon and your mother. Yes, I made your father punish your mother, but just because that happened doesn’t mean you can break the rules. Back to the South Quarter with you…all of you.”
“Ugh,” winced Bonnie. “Can’t wait till I’m old enough for my own hutch.”
“No kidding,” frowned Nikki.
“Better do as she says, girls,” said Dulp. “You don’t want to make Jenny mad.”
“I’ll go with you,” nodded Skippy.
“Great!” smiled Jenny. “We can all walk together!”
“Can Dad come too?” asked Myka.
Dulp frowned down at his third. He’d only seen Myka a couple of times, and that was sad, but the South Quarter really wasn’t his business. It wasn’t like he didn’t love her or anything, it was just…
“I don’t know, My—” he began to say.
“Yes,” said Jenny. “In fact, he’s coming along.”
This immediately got Dulp’s goat. That sadness turned to righteous indignation in a heartbeat.
“What!” he replied with severe unhappiness. “Why do I have to go!”
“Because they’re your kids, you mutton-head,” frowned Jenny. “You should be the one escorting them.”
This was not something Dulp wanted to hear.
“Oh, come—” he started.
“Do you want me to turn your walnuts into lead!” hissed Jenny.
Her crimson-tinged eyes actually flashed red in the lanternlight.
“They’re your kids, and Lyga can’t watch them right now!” finished Jenny.
“But that was your fault!” whined Dulp. “You made me punish Lyga!”
And whine he did. This was riotously unfair.
“And you liked it!” hissed Jenny.
Well…he couldn’t argue with her there.
Skippy’s Field Notes #56:
So, Dulp’s punishment involves some extra “duties” that are so horrible, he won’t speak of them.
I wonder what they are?
Well, whatever they are, I’ve learned some interesting things about the family dynamics here in Pingo. Apparently, the bogos actually would like the gobs to come and visit the South Quarter, but the gobs, being terrified of their other halves, do not wish to indulge in that common decency, thereby sparking resentment within the bogos, which in turn causes the bogos to punish the gobs during Rush Time, which in turn causes the gobs to be even more reluctant to deal with their female counterparts.
The only gob who can freely travel to the South Quarter is Fancy, and that’s because Dulp says the bogos like him for some reason.
This resentment has built between the bogos and all the gobs other than Fancy, and Jenny says that’s because the bogos are “peaked, perked, rubbed, and ready.” Honestly, I have no idea what that means, but Jenny explained that…this just means they’re “lonely and frustrated.”
I can understand this. The fairer sex needs a strong male presence to guide them and keep them company, but Pingo has a unique situation in regards to that matter.
Dulp’s situation is also unique, considering he has four daughters rather than sons (see Field Note #53!). Because gobs don’t really interact with the bogos until forced to, Dulp rarely ever sees his kids. If fact, I don’t believe his youngest, Shale, even recognizes him for who he is (she is just a toddler).
This means that after catching a bogo and having sexual relations—which I now have confirmation of those relations via Jenny’s information—the gobs simply head back to the North Quarter without so much as a by-your-leave, thereby sparking even more resentment over the matter.
It is true that goblings will head to the North Quarter after turning four, and there they will live and have an apprenticeship with their fathers, but considering Dulp only has daughters, as I just mentioned, he rarely ever gets to see them for the aforementioned reasons (redundant explanation, I know!).
Goodness me, it seems like catching a bogo is more complicated than I could have ever imagined!
Whatever the case, Jenny says that I’ve caught her and that I’m hers, or rather, in her words, “I belong to her and no other bogo is to touch me or she’ll do absolutely unspeakable things to them that I cannot mention here due to this being a professional field journal.”
Do you know what this means?
This means I have a girlfriend, and she is actually jealous of other females! Hooch and Mandragora Ale, if only my frat brothers could hear this!
S.P.W.
“Dad, what the Heckens!” cursed Nikki. “We’re your daughters! Spend some time with us!”
Dulp silently cursed under his breath. He reeeaaaaally didn’t want to go back to the South Quarter, but there was also something else he needed to immediately address.
“Hey, no swearing, young lady!” frowned Dulp.
Nikki rolled her eyes, and shook her head.
“Like you care,” she muttered, but Dulp heard her loud and clear.
“Of course, I care!” he said angrily.
And now he was angry.
“Come on, Jenny,” he frowned. “Let’s get these girls to bed.”
Normally he wouldn’t speak so directly to the terrifying bogo witch, but Gobdarnit, his family was beginning to rub him the wrong way. Besides, Lyga was going to kill him anyway, so his doom was already sealed, in which case, there was no reason he could think of why he couldn’t spend some time with his family until the end.
*****
They’d taken a short and uneventful walk across the North Quarter until they’d hit the “border” of the South Quarter, but Dulp could swear he could always feel a sort of “buzz” of impending doom every time he crossed over into this No-Man’s-Land.
After hitting the border, they headed toward the “square” of the South Quarter, the “square” being the female equivalent of a meeting ground, much like the one in the North Quarter.
Skippy’s Field Notes #57:
So, believe it or not, the “South Quarter” is what the gobs call the area of Pingo where the bogos live, but that’s not the interesting part. Apparently, as I have confirmed with Jenny through much discussion, the South Quarter is actually as large as the North, West, and East Quarters combined and is divided into three sections much like the northern half of Pingo.
The “Square” is the gathering place of the bogos for discussion, and this was the first place I had visited upon that fateful night I first met Jenny and received a most refreshing bath vis-à-vis the Greater Cauldron from her and various other bogos (a memory I shall never forget!). This “Square” matches its northern counterpart for most points, though this is where the food is cooked and eaten for the bogos. Also, the bogos fill the Lesser Cauldron here and ship it back to the North Quarter Square via Fancy with whatever food they have made.
The southern portion of the bogo half of Pingo is where the elderly stay, the western part of Pingo is where the warriors live, and the eastern section of Pingo is where everyone else lives, the tradesman (tradeswomen) and the like.
The southern portion, also known as “The Shawl,” is where the aging bogos care for the young of Pingo whilst the adult females work. This is where Old Matron Bogo resides, and she resides in a hutch just as large as the Chief’s. I’ve heard that the “Dress Ups” clique also works here as wetnurses, that clique consisting of Curly Shirley, Sexy Allie Jenkins, and the twin Jo Jos.
The western part of the bogo side of the village is titled “The Spear,” and that’s where Lyga, Xenon, and the other fighters of Pingo dwell. Because there aren’t that many apt warriors in Pingo (female or not), this western section also houses a lot of storage space for various materials the bogos may work with to make goods and sundries for Pingo as a whole.
The last portion, the eastern section, also known as “The Hammer,” has the most hutches, and that’s where all of the noncombatant bogos live and work. In fact, the eastern portion is larger than the southern and western parts combined. It even contains both a pub and a library!
Now, amazing as all of this is, there’s only one thing that could make this perfect…
If only the bogos of Pingo could practice what other goblin villages practice and be free of the burden of clothing! This certainly would make my Quest of the Bare Bottoms much easier to document.
In fact, there are so many bogos in the “South Quarter,” I don’t think I’ll have enough days in one lifetime to study them all!
S.P.W.
Their little group had not traveled far into the southern square when they happened upon a very naked and very helpless bogo.
Dulp winced at the sight of her. This bogo was tied to a wooden pole in the center of the square, she was buck naked, and she was absolutely covered from head to toe in mud.
Dulp recognized her immediately…It was Plain Jane. There’s no way in Heckens he could forget that ugly mug. Oh, she had an attractive female body, and she was definitely fertile and ready to pop out some little goblings and goblets, but no gob in their right mind was ever going to touch that…Great Gob, was she ugly!
Her ears were too short; they were about half the length they were supposed to be. Her light-green skin held a touch of peach to it, her short, curly hair was a sandy blonde when it wasn’t caked with mud, and her eyes were a light brown, almost amber, which was definitely not a color common for goblins in general. Plus, she didn’t even have fangs, for crying out loud! Her teeth were flat, like Skippy’s, only she hadn’t filed hers down like a badass White Skulls would have.
Nah, she was just born that way, born ugly as sin, and unfortunately, even though she wasn’t barren, the Great Gob had made her so ugly, no gob was ever going to fill that dill jar.
She was a plainer, a half-breed, and unlike a black goblin, her other half (her father) had been one of those weird little humans that lived alongside the big humans, and those weird little ones were even uglier than the big ones. The little ones had big hairy feet, and that little feature had also carried over to Plain Jane. She even had a little strip of hair on each of her light-green/peach feet…Blech!
Jenny walked up to Plain Jane and frowned, but the ugly little bogo simply shone her a wide grin.
“Hey, Jenny!” said Jane in a happy tone. “Could you get me down?…I don’t want to have to spend the night up here.”
“Why are you up there, Jane?” asked Jenny. “It’s not morning.”
“Oh…uhhh…Sally and Akira got mad because Lyga and Xenon got humiliated,” explained Jane. “They put me up here a second time and said I could sleep like this, all on account of the fact that I sometimes talk to you.
“The normal morning ritual of tying me to the pole and mudslinging me wasn’t enough for today. This time, however, they said they’d have some mercy, because the lack of sleep was bad enough, so they didn’t shove anything up my butt like they normally do. This morning, it was a whole carrot, but at least it wasn’t a turnip. Those hurt.”
“Oh, that is…That is…Holy Mother…That is awful,” said Jenny, her voice laced with both disgust and unease. “I’m sorry, Jane. I guess this is my fault.”
“Oh, that’s okay,” grinned Jane. “I’m just happy to see you! Besides, you have to look on the bright side of things. All of this mud is going to make my skin shine tomorrow, and I don’t even have to apply it myself! That’s one step closer to finding my one and only gob!
“Oh, and I see you have company…Wait…Is that Dulp!…Hi, Dulp!…You’re with your girls?…Wow, that’s new!…Wait…Who is…Oh, my goodness, is this Skippy! I don’t think we’ve met before!…Hi, Skippy!…Oh, he’s cute, Jenny. No wonder you have a thing for him. Mrrowr!”
Dulp turned to look for a reaction from Skippy, and boy did Skippy have one. The ugly little gob’s face had turned pale, and he had a look of what could only be described as shock on his face. Seeing a naked Plain Jane had clearly killed his manhood once and for all, which was the reaction most gobs had…Well, maybe that was a good thing. Maybe now his fascination with the bogos would dry up.
Skippy’s Field Notes #58:
So, I hadn’t met Plain Jane before this entry. I had purposely been avoiding her, which was the reason I’d never visited the Pingo library, because she is the librarian there, and considering how monstrously ugly she has been rumored to be, I had not wanted to kill my libi…err…uhh…interest in the complex and multifaceted study of the bogos of this fair village.
Well…as it turns out…
Jane is salaciously cute, gorgeous in her own way, and I stumbled upon her while she was naked! True, she was coated with mud, and this hid her naughty bits, but Great Gob almighty does she have a figure!…Jenny is still my number one squeeze, but I can honestly say that Jane is moving up to number two on my list…
Not that I have a list, mind you. The list is metaphorical. There is no list. I just wanted you to know that.
Anyway, as it turns out, the mystery of why Jane is considered “plain” is because, like Yappa and Tall Sally, Jane is a half-breed, only her father was one of MY people. She’s a “plainer,” a half-halfling, if that makes sense, and because goblins think halflings to be fantastically ugly for some reason, Jane is pretty much reviled for her appearance by all.
Great Gob is she delicious!…Of course, my loyalty is to my girlfriend, and I wouldn’t want to hurt Jenny’s feelings anyway, but I think I actually can do Jane a service. I can hook her up with a strapping young lad from Poppy Seed, because my people would love her. She is so happy and upbeat all of the time, and that’s in spite of how the goblins of Pingo treat her.
Yeah, I think I can do this service. I have friends and even cousins that would be more than happy to hook up with Jane…I’ll have to let her know.
I’m becoming more of a saint every day!…Saint Skippy of Pingo…Yeah…That has a nice ring to it.
What a party life is!
S.P.W.
“Heeey,” warned Jenny. “Skippy is my gob!…errr…half…errr…male…uhh…You know what I mean!”
“Yeah, yeah, of course,” smiled Jane. “Have you been to the library yet, Skippy?”
The ugly little gob silently shook his head no. He looked disturbed for some reason, but Dulp was pretty sure that reason was the fact that Jane was just flat out steeped in pure ugly.
“Oh, you should come by tomorrow!” said Jane in both visible and audible excitement. “We have books and scrolls and pamphlets and other written stuff in all kinds of languages that the gobs sometimes…uhhh…acquire…for the village. I think you’d love it!…Err…Can he come by tomorrow, Jenny?”
“Yeeeeaaah,” said Jenny warily and through narrowed eyes. “I’ll be escorting him, though. I don’t want any funny business, Jane. Seriously, don’t touch my gob.”
“No, no, of course not,” grinned Jane. “Of course, if something were to happen—”
“Then the next thing shoved up your butt will be that pole you’re tied to,” scowled Jenny. “You won’t like it when it pops out your mouth. It’ll taste like your bum.”
“Okay, okay,” nodded Jane. “It’s just…He’s just…He is sooooo cute!…How did you manage to nab him!…Holy Mother Bogo, you’re lucky, Jenny!”
“Oh, I know,” smiled Jenny. “He’s a looker, isn’t he?”
Dulp turned to view the shining red beacon that was Skippy’s face. The ugly little gob was clearly embarrassed, but Great Gob almighty were these females delusional! Skippy? Cute? In what reality was Skippy cute?…Jane needed to stop sniffing her books. All of that ink had gone straight to her brain.
“I know, I know,” nodded Jane. “Oh, ummm…Did you hear that Akira might be preggers?”
“Oh, really?” asked Jenny. “Is this with Jeans? Good grief, it’s only been a few days since that last Rush Time. How in the Heckens could she know already?”
“Yeah, yeah!” said Jane excitedly. “I heard from Mary that Polly and Anna saw Jeans going in and out of Akira’s hutch looooong before the last Rush. He thinks he’s being sneaky, but they saw him. He’s been giving her the dill o’ plenty on the sly.”
“That’s just scamp talk,” waved off Jenny. “You know those two. They’re about as trustworthy as a gob with a bucket of fried chicken. I wouldn’t put much faith in that, Jane.”
“Oh, but I think it’s true,” nodded Jane. “They even peeked in and saw that Akira has a berry as big as a dill. Can you believe that! A berry as big as a dill! How do you even handle that!…Oh, and it’s all black like her nipples on account of there being an orc in her family tree. It’s like a big black dill between her legs, just hanging down. Isn’t that crazy!”
“That’s an old rumor, Jane,” sighed Jenny. “That’s been going around since we were goblets. I highly doubt any of that’s true, and I don’t even like Akira. She does have some orc lineage in her family tree, though, and some human lineage as well, but she’s all bogo as far as I know…But I still don’t like her.”
“Oh, she’s mean, but I heard Jeans is ultra-gob smitten, and he’s been sneaking over to have a little piece of her, if you know what I mean,” nodded Jane. “He’s been giving her the dill o’ plenty. I’ve heard she cries out in the middle of the night from it, and it’s loud.”
Okay, this was getting out of hand. Dulp did not have time for this tawdry, Gobawful female gossip, not to mention no respectable gob would ever be caught dead having a midnight “tryst” with a bogo, and Jeans was about as respectable a gob as they come. He was the coolest gob in Pingo after all.
Plus, a bogo having a berry as big as a dill? Honestly, that sounded like an incredible insult to Dulp, though stranger things had happened. Nevertheless, this stupid conversation had to end, because he needed to get the girls to bed.
“Okay, this has got to end,” said Dulp firmly. “I have to get these girls to bed, and I kind of need Jenny as an escort, because unlike you, Jane, I’m not used to having vegetables shoved up my butt, and if any of the other bogos catch me, that’s exactly what’s going to happen to me, so goodnight.”
“Geez, you don’t have to be a jerk, Dulp,” frowned Jane. “I don’t even have any vegetables shoved up my butt this time. I said that already. Weren’t you listening?”
“Unfortunately,” sighed Dulp. “Come on girls; let’s get you to bed.”
“Awww,” grinned Nikki. “I wanted to hear more!”
“Listening to Jane is bad for your brain,” said Dulp firmly. “Remember that rhyme. It’s catchy.”
“Oh, very funny, Dulp!” grimaced Jane. “How would you like it if you were up here!”
“I wouldn’t,” frowned Dulp. “I guess I’ll have to cut this short myself. I’ll just untie you so you can go take a bath. You need one. You look like a pig had a baby with a doggo. Blech!…You smell like one, too. You definitely need a bath.”
“You think!” asked Jane, her tone dripping with sarcasm. “I want you to apologize to me, Dulp! You don’t get to insult me! You can’t call me a pig mixed with a doggo!”
“Oh, for crying out loud,” said Dulp with a roll of his eyes. “I’m not insulting you, Jane. I was just pointing out the obvious…”
A thought occurred to him…He had an idea, and it was risky to the point of being stupid, but perhaps it could work. After all, he had a new secret title that everyone knew, and that was some serious street cred, so perhaps he could pull it off…
“Listen, if you keep arguing with me, you’re going to prevent my girls from getting any sleep,” scowled Dulp. “Keep it up, and I’ll put you up on Lyga’s X. You’ll get thirty whacks, too. Your bum will look like a ripe strawberry, just like hers does right now.”
All four of his daughters, Skippy, and even Jenny stared at him in open surprise.
“You’d do that to me?” asked Jane in clear wonder. “That is…Wow!…Oh, I don’t even know how I feel about that…No…No…Lyga would absolutely murder me if that happened. Yep, she’d mangle my bogo parts if that happened. I…Yeah…You’d better not do that. As much as I’d love it, I still haven’t even found a gob yet! I need everything in working order. No, no, you shouldn’t do that, Dulp.”
What was wrong with the bogos in this village? The sheer insanity of females was mindboggling.
“Oh, yeah, Jamie got suuuuper lucky with Lyga,” nodded Jane. “She’s going up on the X tomorrow night. That’s what I heard. Jamie’s on cloud nine. She can’t wait.”
“Wait…what?” asked Dulp in confusion. “No, this isn’t about Jamie. This is about you. You need to stop gabbing and let us go.”
“I will; I have,” nodded Jane. “I just have one more question, and that’s for Jenny.”
“Oh?” asked Jenny warily. “What’s that?”
“I heard you met that big human bogo,” grinned Jane. “What was she like?”
“She…Well…” said Jenny slowly. “She tried to pull me apart at first with a spell, and that wasn’t pleasant, but I did learn that spell from her just by watching it, so…I don’t know…
“I guess…There isn’t much to say, I guess…I mean, Skippy showed her the error of her ways, so…uhhh…she was all right. She is all right…for a human, I guess.”
“Really? I heard her boobies were as big around as—” started Jane.
This had gone on long enough. Seriously, this was ridiculous.
“Oooookay!” frowned Dulp. “Jane, you’re seriously holding us up. I know you’re lonely because you look like a sow mixed with a hemorrhoid, but that’s not my problem. I’ve really got to get these girls to bed.”
“Hey!” yelled Jane. “That’s not funny, Dulp! Don’t insult me, especially in front of Skippy! Lyga’s pickled your dill anyway, so it’s not like you’re the greatest thing since milled wheat! I’m going to tell her you’ve been picking on me, and then she’ll have your walnuts in a vise!”
“She’s already put my walnuts in a vise,” sighed Dulp. “That’s like a regular Rush Time activity…Listen, Jane, I know you’re ugly and lonely, but I’m dead serious when I say…I’ve got to go. We’ve got to go. It’s late, and I want to get to bed.”
“I’m not ugly!” screeched Jane. “Stop saying that!”
There were tears in her eyes now. Hoo, boy, this had gotten way out of hand.
“You take that back, Dulp!” cried Jane. “You take that back right now! I’m not ugly!…You…You, Skippy!…Do you…Do you think I’m ugly?”
Everyone turned to stare at Skippy. The ugly little gob shook his head no and then spoke in his cringey singsong voice for the first time since running into Jane, but what he said was either a straight-up lie or he was just flat-out delusional. Dulp was banking on the first one.
“No,” said Skippy matter-of-factly. “No, I actually think you’re quite lovely, Jane. You’re very, very pretty, actually…gorgeous, I’d say…My goodness, your body alone is divine…minus the mud, of course. I mean, Heckens, if I weren’t with Jenny, then I’d probably be with you.”
In one second, Plain Jane went from crying like a little goblet to beaming forth a wide grin where her mud-caked face shone like an auric-beacon of hope.
“Really!” she said excitedly. “Oh, Skippy, that makes me so happy! You have no idea how that makes me feel! Oh, I’ve waited so long to hear those words! Oh, I love you, Skippy! I love you, I love you, I love you! I love you so—”
Jenny scowled, waved her staff, a portal of pitch darkness formed around a mud-caked, very naked Jane, and then the gabby gossipy bogo of Pingo village, Plain Jane, was gone, leaving behind only the pole and the rope.
“Jenny, what did you do!” asked Skippy in audible panic. “Where did she go! By the Great Gob, you didn’t kill her, did you!”
“Calm down, Skippy,” said Jenny dryly. “Relax…I’m not a monster…Ugh…Xenon is still being plucked and bathed behind Old Matron Bogo’s hutch. I sent Jane into Xenon’s bathwater. Well, actually I sent her up in the air about six feet over Xenon’s bathwater. My guess is she’s landing on Xenon right about now.”
Oh, that wasn’t going to end well. Dulp sure was glad he hadn’t gotten on Jenny’s bad side.
Goblins in the Mist: Chapter Fourteen Copyright © 2025 bloodytwine.com Matthew L. Marlott
Author’s Note: The picture for this story was partially generated via artificial intelligence courtesy of SendFame.com and modified courtesy of Canva.com.
